Only the best things come from hard work. Such is definitely the case of deep cross-cultural relationships. But along the journey of building that relationship it's easy to think..."Is this really worth it?". A large portion of my ministry relationships and friendships are with pastors and people who have a different international background. It hasn't been easy but I would not trade those relationships for the world. Such is definitely the case with my co-leader and friend at Reach the Nations Community Church, pastor Benjamin Pili Pili.
As I struggled to press on one Sunday morning through the cultural diversity and values that are vastly different among members and leaders at RTN, it occurred to me..."They are probably struggling too and I've just never recognized it." Relationships take work, cross-cultural relationships take lots of work.
Pastor Pili Pili (Kebembe Congolese) and I have worked hard to safeguard what we believe God has ordained...a co-leadership at RTN. He is now serving as the lead pastor, I ordained him in November of 2021. He was the right man for the body that is there now.
We've worked to over come a lot but have only done so through the love and grace of Jesus Christ.
Timeliness vs. Togetherness
My culture (the Caucasian American culture) is almost always on-time or early. If we're not we apologize. His culture and many others I work with is almost always late. Not just a few minutes late but often an hour to two hours late! For them the value is on being together no matter what time they arrive. "We feel judged a lot by our sense of time in this country," says Pili Pili. "Even though I might try hard to I may not always be on time for you, but make no mistake I'll always be there for you." I've come to understand that value and appreciate it so much. But being able to navigate through this is difficult with an American schedule. There are times I have to say, "Hey man, I've got to go, I'm sorry." But I've also learned what comes about relationally when I'm wiling to go the distance. I've been shown way more honor (not deserving any) by the international community than my own. And this only comes as a result of persevering and being willing to value the relationship over a preference of time.
Short-term vs. Long Term Planning
I've always been taught that a "fail to plan is a plan to fail". And I believe this is true. But on the other hand, at what point do you deviate from a long-term plan of stewardship and budgeting to meet immediate needs? That question requires necessary thought in many cross-cultural situations. Pili Pili would say, "Resources are there for immediate needs not necessarily for an uncertain future." Much of this mindset stems from a refugee culture that he grew up in. "In the refugee camp, we own nothing, depend on everything, and don't know where we will end up tomorrow. If someone has a need today you do what you can to meet it." But he does not negate the need to be a good steward. However, stewardship in a cross-cultural church can be have many differences of opinion. We've had procedures where a family can receive $50 in benevolence at one time and the need require $200. On one hand, you have to plan for the future or you won't have resources left. On the other hand, if you don't meet immediate needs beyond what you budget you may not have any relationships in the future. Working together to find balance and determine which immediate needs be met and which ones don't to preserve resources requires a healthy cross-cultural relationship.
Positional Leadership vs. Influential Leadership
Leadership styles and expectations can be a devisive factor for a multi-ethnic church. Many international cultures come from positional leadership authority. Meaning, the position determines the amount of authority and influence. Others, such as mine, lean more towards influential leadership, meaning, people only follow you if they see you as worth following. Positional leadership relies on a position whereas Influential Leadership relies on earning influence among people. While this sounds good, it also explains why America is now struggling with submission to authority. And of course there comes a time when people lose their influence, but teachers and parents today are struggling to maintain leadership among their kids. In many international cultures, the shame of dishonoring a parent, teacher, boss, pastor, and even an older sibling can be very weighty. Pili Pili comments, "They should go hand in hand, position and influence. However, sometimes you just don't agree with or understand your leaders, yet that doesn't mean you can simply walk away or not trust them." When a positional leader tells you to do something, you do it. When an influential leader asks you to do something he/she has to make it sound appealing. Similarly, when Positional Leaders tell people from Influential Leadership cultures to do something they could be in for a big surprise. And as Influential Leaders subtly try to gain influence they may lose respect for not being as authoritative. The key is having the right heart for the position which demonstrates a gracious love in showing authority.
Collectiveness vs. Cohesiveness
Everyone has the need for their own cultures. Let's face it...there are times when we've just had enough Congo lines and banging drums. There are times when Internationals are tired of being told, "you cannot stay here any longer...you should have started on time". Either way, we crave our own way of doing things. However, Christ calls his body beyond that.
To describe the difference between what I call collectiveness and cohesiveness I think of someone being a model car collector. When a person has a collection of model cars they possess a display of individual cars, all distinct, and standing alone. When I describe cohesiveness, I think of different parts from all of those cars making one new car that is co-dependent on parts from each of those different cars to stand by itself. Such is the requirement for a successful multi-cultural church. There are times when I have to sacrifice my cultural value and show appreciation and submission to another and then there are times when I have to impart my values to strengthen a situation or member. In either case, when we are able to demonstrate this as a diverse body, we realize the height of loving our neighbor as ourself. This is what we are called to. Pastor Pili Pili and I have the relationship we do not because we have stood fast to our own cultures, but because we have yielded to each others. And because of that we feel free to express our own.
There are countless books on cross-cultural relationships and leadership and rightfully so. We are vastly different from each other. Yet when we learn to evaluate our own cultures in view of other cultures and not the other way around we take first steps to building cross-culture relationships and enjoying them. To be able to extract the good from another culture makes us, I believe, a more whole person. It gives us the freedom to enjoy and thrive in relationships that are unlike any others and can often carry us further into joy in the body of Christ.
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